Life's Greatest Detour

Lucky me! Who would have thought that I would be one of the lucky ones chosen to partake of one of the greatest detours that life throws at us. Unfortunately, more and more people are getting to partake of this once lonely roaded detour, and now it just seems so crowded down this path that its lost its mystery and phantasmal quality that made it the executive club it once was....until you are one chosen to go through it....then you suddenly feel like the only one on the road and mystery and phantasm are all around. No, I'm not gay. I'm referring to that four letter word that starts with D. Divorce.

The relationship ended months and months ago, but thanks to the great state of California I have had the last six months to wait to move on with my life until it is final according to the courts. Its funny how time can feel like it goes by so fast, yet so slow at the same time. The date of official divorcement looms closer and closer, 15 days to be exact -as my boss regularly reminds me (its also a count down to his birthday...he seems doubly excited for that day, once for his day and once for mine), and it feels like something I had to wait such a long time for. But looking back, the time has flown by so fast. As the finality of this decision (which I did not chose to make) weighs on me as the date comes closer and closer I am forced to reflect on my internal state and progress made over the last 6-8 months. Am I ready to move on? Am I ready to start over? Could I, if the situation approached me, do this all over again? Lets see.

For those not familiar with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and how marriage in this church works, here is a brief description (if you are, skip ahead to next paragraph). When two worthy members of the church are sealed together in a temple of God, they are not only married, but sealed together for time and all eternity. We believe that with the proper authority this act is recorded not only on earth but also in heaven. Two people are entering a covenant, a contract and binding promise, with God that the progress made in this life will lead to greater things in the life to come after death. Not just individually, but together as a couple. Two people in love, can be sealed in a temple of God and not only look forward to a lifetime on earth of working together and growing, but also an eternity together where you continue to work united together, and with glory, towards the same goals and purposes. Being sealed in the temple is literally forever. The benefits of this on earth, is that when you or your spouse struggle with imperfections or when life throws you some sticks and stones, you look forward with hope and faith to the time in eternity where you are perfected and where these struggles now will make you more equipped for endeavors in that time. When compared with an eternity of happiness with this person you love so much, these times of trial on earth are but a brief moment. So you put up with it, tough it out, and life progresses forward to more happier times. (this is a very tiny nutshell...)

My previous husband I were two such people that were in love and sealed together for time and all eternity, looking forward to not only a lifetime together growing as combined unit on earth, but for that blissful eternity together as partners...or so I thought. Regardless of what our problems were at the time of our marriage, the end result was that after various tactics to persuade him to stay, he decided he no longer wanted to participate in this experience with me. Suck! Since the moment I had finally decided to let him walk away from he, and he actually did, I have struggled with a plethora of emotions. When divorce was a reality, I felt so alone and empty, like no one else in the world could possibly feel what I was feeling. I realized, that the road of divorce was in fact my life's course, taking me away from the things I really wanted most in life. This was an undeniable reality. Once the shock of this cleared, I realized that this road was not as lonely a road as I had anticipated. Thanks to many friendly, loving people who reached out to me in my time of despair I felt hope that life, in fact, would go on. And since then, I have truly learned that it does.

My life was on a path towards everything I have ever wanted. Even when I wouldn't admit to myself that I wanted these things, I always knew deep down I was on earth to be a part of these activities: having a husband, being a wife, having children and being a mother, participating in eternal covenants that I never even dreamed I would qualify for in this life. Some how and suddenly so fast, these righteous endeavors I had embarked on and worked really hard to obtain were violently and horrifically ripped away from me. After the dust had settled, I realized that the road I was on, was not taking me further away from the things I want, but in actuality I just have to take a detour to get those things again. I have felt lost, confused, alone, discouraged. I need to support myself financially with a career I have never had to have and currently don't have (figuring out and obtaining is a whole battle on its own), I have to keep and stay true to these new covenants I made and a new lifestyle in the church I have committed to, I have to move out from my parents (I'm 27...lets be real, that's not as cool as it was at 24), mend a broken heart AND somehow find the desire to trust and let another man into my life. AND I have had no idea how to do any of this. See what I mean, lucky me. Maybe you don't see, so I will show you.

The time I have had to wait for the divorce to be final has been a huge blessing in my life. I have had to lean heavily on my parents and friends who were so ready to be there to help me. I deepened my love and appreciation for my parents in a new way. I strengthened my relationship with my brother and his wife and have opened up to them more. I have made new friends and connections as well as more intimately cultivated the ones I already have. I have had the experience to develop feelings for another. And by so do doing, deal with that disappointment when I had to walk away from what I really so badly wanted to move closer to, rather than sacrifice a more virtuous choice. I have had to start my life over on this detour, and really reevaluate who I am and where I am taking my life. And by doing so I have been able to be a better version of me by these experiences.

Jenn's engagement parties with some of by bffs.

Jackie and eric's last night to see me (lucky you guys) before they left to Japan. Sad. I miss my partner in crime.

Family beach day! Being cuddled by my gorgeous little minions, life's greatest creations. How could life get any better than that?

Alpine slide with Brian on my spontaneous birthday weekend trip to Utah of all places. His good company enticed me there. Had a great reunion with Andelin's there as well. Memorable weekend and totally worth being in Utah for. 

Me and my "twin" older brother. My other partner in life.  

Random GORGEOUS sailing day on San Diego bay with some of the best company in town. Some old friends have become better ones, and some new faces I have learned quickly to keep around.

Jenn's wedding in Tahoe, like a college reunion! Such a fantastic vacay with an incredible trip to the sac temple. Such a great weekend with my life long friends. I love all my ladies.

Street beat last weekend with some new friends that uplift, inspire and encourage a happy life. 

The experience of divorce itself has served me even better. I was happy with the man I chose, but I now have the opportunity to be happier with a better choice. I get a do over. I have had to really wrap my brain around why this has happened to me, what did I do wrong (we all do things wrong in these situations), how this fits in my religion, and where it leaves me with my life. Most especially I have had the opportunity to understand more wholly the temple sealing covenant and all the covenants made in the temples and decide their place and importance in my life. I have recently had the opportunity to serve in the temple to do sealing by proxy for those who have passed away. Hearing this sealing over and over really drove home the huge weight of the blessings found in this covenant. Although it is the most heartbreaking thought to think that the man who once was my husband does not want to share such a sacred and beautiful promise with me anymore, the more important thing is that I can find someone who will.

Newport Temple at night, was so beautiful and inspiring to be there.

Redlands temple on my 27th birthday, included a trip to the hospital where I was born.

Being single-but-married for the last 8 months has been a roller coaster, full of all the things I have needed to experience to strengthen and prepare me for my next step in life. And as my personal independence day draws closer, I feel more and more ready to not only be a better person who will make a better wife the next time around, but to be capable and confident in the adventure of finding a better companion. The reasons things happen the way they do evade me, and sometimes there isn't even a real reason, but the fact that they have happened to me this way is out of my control. But I couldn't have been more grateful for this detour of my life that has shaped me into the person I am right now at this very moment, and into the person I still have yet to discover.