Shift Damnit, Shift

My first car was a '77 royal blue, manual transmission, two door, hatchback Toyota Corolla SR5. I hated this car. I think everyone who drove it did. The driver side door had a trick to unlock it, which frequently didn't work. The roll up window broke and was in a constant state of being almost rolled down. I lost 3 CD players. There was no AC and the seats were cracked and smelled like decaying car. The ignition was so worn out, the key would fall out after the car was started. My excitement at having my first car didn't last very long, as this little beast had a lot of personality over its many years of life, soon wore out my affection. In fact, this car was so old and so falling apart and so temperamental, that frequently, in the midst of driving, the engine would pop out of gear. In mid shift, the clutch would unknowingly fail and the transmission would grind as you tried without success to shift into the next gear. The car would coast along out of gear, slowly loosing speed. The grinding transmission was like the satisfied chortle of the car as my frantic 16 year old self would try to decide what to do next to keep the car moving forward. If it was a really lucky day, the car would throw such a tantrum in mid intersection. Imagine, the light turns green. You start to move forward and then suddenly, stall. You go to start the car again, and you cant get it into gear. The car gives an ominous grunt. Other cars are honking, you're in the way of on coming traffic. The more you try to shift into gear, the louder the car's grunty chuckle echos in your ears.

This is not the car, but it looks so much like this, in fact those of you who knew the car probably thought this was it....its not IT...but its pretty dang close, minus the black shades on the back and the kroq stickers.

Divorce, its a funny thing. I have been through many break ups in my life, none quite as life altering as divorce. It wasn't life altering for the obvious reasons, such as hurt of loosing the most important individual in your life. I have been more in love, I have been more heart broken, and I have been more damaged, and certainly many of my life experiences have left me more destroyed than I am now. No, not because of that. The experience was life altering because of the avalanche of changes associated with making a HUGE step in life, and then having the rug ripped out from under you right when you're about to land. Its as if I landed face up, and from my view the world now seems upside down. Divorce was like stalling in the middle of the intersection. Now as the emotional aftermath has subsided, and life is being put back together I realize I have no idea what to do. Like my frantic 16 year old self, I'm grasping for some answer or clue as to what the next step should be in order to get out of the intersection. Should I pump the clutch again? Do I try first or second gear? Should I call someone or ask for help? Do I get out and push? Nothing makes sense, everything I try fails, and I've run out of ideas. As I sit in this intersection of my life, I feel all the same feelings as my first breakdown in that tumultuous car, asking all the same questions. All I can conjure is a frustrated, panicked "SHIFT, DAMNIT! SHIFT!"

I have no answer.

The longer I drove that finicky Toyota, the more I loved to hate it. Now the experience of the car sits in my memory as an infamous and sentimental life experience. Ah, my first car.... The older the car got, the more problems it had. But the longer I drove it, the better equipped I was at problem solving. Even if I had to get out and push, or sit and wait for my prayers to be answered, eventually there was always a stuttering, jolty drive of shame out of the intersection. As the problems of my phase of life now mirror the problems of this car, I can only hope that so do the eventual solutions. I always got out of the intersection. I eventually got a new car that was more reliable and more safe. I can look back now and appreciate the experience that car gave me, as I hope to do with this phase of my life. No matter what happens, I just have to keep driving.